Big Body Games '24
Link to Current Year
Results
| Place | Total Points | Player | Event 1 Kubb | Event 2 Spikeball | Event 3 Cornhole | Event 4 Polish | Event 5 Beer Die |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 24 | Too Spicy | 4 | 6 | 4 | 6 | 4 |
| 2 | 19 | Boost Looters | 2 | 6 | 5 | 3 | 3 |
| 3 | 17 | US v Zantac | 6 | 0 | 3 | 3 | 5 |
Eliot
2023 Placing: 5th (of 7)2022 Placing: 3rd (of 5)
2021 Placing: 6th (of 7)
Look at the Data
Three years, three subpar results. Unlike Brock Purdy, Eliot has yet to find a way to thrive in the system. As expected based on last year's scouting report, Eliot managed a podium finish in Cornhole but dealt out bottom 3 placements in the remaining events, ending with his 5th place overall finish in Maryland. A new scoring scheme may be exactly what Eliot needs to break out of year's of inequity against him. It is yet to be seen whether 2024 will be the first team competition in BBG history, but odds aren't in his favor to unlock the full force of Turn Around Lenny in this year's tournament. If there's any positive outlook from 2023, he did improve on his 2021 placement, but he's going to have to dig deep, play the odds, and build some chemistry if he wants to find any trend toward success this year.
Winning Words: "Gun to my head, it's gotta be Panarello"
Eric
2023 Placing: 7th (of 7)2022 Placing: 5th (of 5)
2021 Placing: 4th (of 7)
That's Confidential
Let's be real for a second - 2023 was a tough go for Mr. Holtzman. He played his heart out, was the Biggest Body in almost every intangible metric, yet somehow came in dead last AND got robbed of a title he earned outright. If there's ever been a conensus in this group, it's that everyone hated Eric in 2023. He's had another year in the Santa Ana sun (with plenty of sunscreen to boot), and the past is in the past for Eric. If there's one thing we know, is that 2023 will be the last year Eric goes down quietly. Look for blood, sweat, and tears on the floor this year - none of which will be Eric's, as his revenge tour comes in at full force. Keep in mind that another last place finish for Eric may not just be the last BBG for him, but for everyone.
Winning Words: "I'm Just Saying Things"
Joe
2023 Placing: 1st (of 7)2022 Placing: 1st (of 5)
2021 Placing: 1st (of 7)
It's Rigged
What else can we even say - a clean sweep in 2023 not only kept Joe on top, but added yet another stepping stone to the legendary run we're seeing out of what could be one of the generational talents of this BBG era. A first place finish in all 5 events proved to what little doubters he had left that Joe is the real deal, and has to be considered the crowd favorite until further notice. Perhaps the only negative we can say about the three-time Champ is that this will be his toughest year as commissioner, as the short schedule will lead to tight deadlines on the planning front - will he have enough time to train and stay sharp? Or will this finally be the year that someone steps up to the challenge? As they say, the wolf climbing the mountain is always hungrier than the wolf at the top.
Winning Words: "Don't Shoot the Messenger"
Nick
2023 Placing: 6th (of 7)2022 Placing: N/A
2021 Placing: 5th (of 7)
Random Ride
It was obvious from the get-go that missing 2022 was a bad choice for Panarello, as day 1 of 2023 could not have possibly gone any worse. Struggling at every event, Nick was in a rough spot, with such a small probability of a comeback that the rest of the athletes counted him out. But Day 2 Panarello was a sight for sore eyes - by far the best Saturday performance that BBG has ever seen, Dr. Panarello outscored all athletes, possibly even carrying Joe in multiple events to secure his championship. That's the Panarello we'd never expect, and is exactly the Panarello we'd need to see should he want to improve on his results this year. However, logistics are currently his main downfall, as a tough pairing of medical rotations and a mid-Atlantic wedding are both going against his chances on making his way to the tournament. The potential appearance of Jordy is the single-most defining aspect of the 2024 BBG, as it could also mean the first year the competition takes a team format. The state of the tournament is quite literally in Dr. Panarello's hands - will his surgical precision resurface, or will real-life responsibility win out?....Only time will tell.
Winning Words: "Brenna, Please"
Picca
2023 Placing: 4th (of 7)2022 Placing: 4th (of 5)
2021 Placing: 7th (of 7)
Man of the Year
The Year of the Picca is officially upon us. Doubling as a bachelor party to die for, 2024 is dedicated to Picca's last months on this Earth (as an unmarried man). Mr. Picca has been steadily improving year after year, and there seems to be a strategy he's been able to execute - win early and try to survive the rest. We hope wedding planning hasn't bogged him down too much; he'll need a clear head and a solid plan if he wants to break into his first ever podium finish. Just months away from a set of vows he can't refuse, he'll be equipped with all the confidence in the world to leapfrog his way to the top. However, the other athletes aren't going to let him off easy, as he'll likely be heavily targeted during non-BBG exhibition play. Congratulations buddy - just be prepared to call an ambulance (for you).
Winning Words: "I've Entered the Fucking Matrix"
Theo
2023 Placing: 2nd (of 7)2022 Placing: N/A
2021 Placing: 2nd (of 7)
Implied Consent
Theo has proved, once again, that he is never to be underestimated. Flying under the radar for most of BBG 2023, doing no worse than third place in any event proves the consistency is still there, and Theo is a force to be reckoned with. The implied consent mantra is truly on his side; ignore the group chat, show up ready, and have some fun. He's only got one problem, and it's a big one: Joe. He may not be able to do it himself, but a full team effort could see Boy Wonder catapult his way out of eternal silver medalist and summitting to the peak of success.
Winning Words: "All I give are parameters and enthusiastic support"
Tim
2023 Placing: 3rd (of 7)2022 Placing: 2nd (of 5)
2021 Placing: 3rd (of 7)
All Work, All Play
Don't let the results fool you - 2023 was a disappointing year for the Timmy Shimmy. While he did secure his third podium finish in a row, the separation between Tim and the other finishers widened by a huge margin. He was only 1 point from second place in 2021, dropping to a whopping 11 points behind second place in 2023. His regression to the mean should come as a shock, as the most physically gifted athlete in the pool needs to find a way to breakout of his slump. Third place in spikeball and going 0-8 in Kubb look to be decent places to make up some ground, but there's not enough Truly chugs in the world that could tell us there's a mental aspect that needs to be thoroughly evaluated. Where is the Timmy of yesteryear - bucket hat style, shimmy swag, and lack of body control that everyone's been counting on? He'll need to brew up something special if he wants to dethrone to two clear favorites above him for yet another year.
Winning Words: "Oh Shoot"Timmy’s Takes 2024
Timmy Takes is back, but not by popular demand. The peanut gallery let Timmy have it in 2023 not just in his takes but also in his 2023 Big Body Game performance. Retirement was a consideration, but it was ultimately decided to bring back the takes for at least 1 more year. Timmy takes received heavy criticism for its critique of the opposing players last year. The world is asking for a new type of takes, one that butters up the competitors with high praise and compliments and focuses solely on their best qualities. Rest assured you will not find that here. We stick to what we know, and the facts do not lie. So sit back, relax and grab a drink and let the Timmy Takes take you on a journey for this year’s 2024 games.
Before getting into this year’s Big Body Games details we have sad news to bring to the readers. Dr. Nicholas Panarello will not be in attendance this year. He will be competing in a “Whiz Bowl” (we are still searching for answers regarding the details of this event) and he had to withdraw his name from consideration. Eliot Johnson will be impacted the most by this decision and the viewers will need to wait to see the dynamic duo that we call Turn Around Lenny until 2025.
With the absence of Panarello, comes a change in the framework for this year's games. Teams have been carefully chosen based upon, friendship, performance, and most importantly biased opinions. Each game will count as a single point and the most wins at the end of the games will lead to the crowned victors. For the analysis below we took a deep dive in the team’s performance from the previous year. A big factor of the results last year came from what we have now coined as the “Panarello Effect.” Due to a drastic change in performance we saw in Nick Panarello in 2023 from Day 1 to Day 2 – we noted which day the event took place if a team played against Panarello and we added in a stat correction where applicable to get to the teams true record.
We also need to take a brief moment here to celebrate the bachelor Nick Picca. We hope he is able to escape from his new corporate life and make it to the games on time. Let’s just hope he can keep his eye on the prize and that he is ready for a fierce battle of competition that awaits him.
Let's meet the teams!
Members: Joe Laviano & Eric Holtzman
2023 Team Results: 5-2
Cornhole
21-15 Loss against White Fragility
Beer Die
15-9 Win against IV League
15-13 Win against Bintang Tank Top
Spikeball
21-18 Win against No Flower, No Blouse (Day 1 Panarello)
21-19 Win against Turn Around Lenny (Day 2 Panarello)
Polish Horseshoes
21-19 Loss against Boost Looters
Kubb
Win against Base Layers (Day 1 Panarello)
Analysis of the 2023 Results
Eric and Joe had a 5-2 record last year, posting the best performance compared to the two other teams. Did the results really justify a 5-2 record? Let’s take a closer look: 2 of their 5 wins came from Day 1 Panarello. Should we really count those? I’ll leave that up to the readers, but we all know where we stand with this. They also experienced a devastating loss to the Boost Looters in Polish Horseshoes and are effectively defeated when playing against the opposing teams they will match up against this year.
Timmy Take’s corrected record for Too Spicy in 2023: 4-2 (2 wins removed due to Day 1 Panarello, and an extra win added for beating Day 2 Panarello)
Timmy's Take on their chances
The presumed favorite heading into the 4th annual BBG. Joe looks to capture his 4th straight BBG crown, while Eric eagerly seeks his first. It was a tough showing for Eric in 2023. He just could not find his rhythm and his partners did not do him any favors. Joe’s consistency should help stabilize the team and allow Eric to blossom into the athlete that we know he can be. Their West Coast bond should translate to instant success on the field.
Keys to Success
Let Eric do the grocery shopping – if food becomes scarce a 3rd place result may be in the books.
Keep space during spikeball – this team features the biggest and smallest body during the games. Joe will need to be mindful of the surroundings and avoid any unforeseen contact with his teammate
Show no mercy to the Boost Looters – Joe brings stability to any team that he is on and they do not need to get frustrated with a loss here and there. It will be imperative to keep the other teams grounded and this especially goes for the Boost Looters
Do not have the worst record in Cornhole – If I have to pick a last place finish for this team it has to be this event. A 3rd place finish could cause their title hopes and dreams to come crashing to a halt
Eric conquers the King Kubb – Known for his ability to knock down the field Kubbs, the opposite can be said about knocking down the King Kubb. If Eric can move past this we see a lot of wins in their future.
Members: Eliot Johnson & Theo Bowe
2023 Team Results: 4-4
Cornhole
21-1 Win against Roommates, not Friends
24-19 Loss against No Flower, No Blouse (Day 2 Panarello)
Beer Die
15-8 Loss against No Flower, No Blouse (Day 2 Panarello)
15-7 Win against Rumble Ready
Spikeball
21-8 Loss against Godfather Part II
Polish Horseshoes
23-10 Loss against Godfather Part I
Kubb
Win against No Flower, No Blouse (Day 1 Panarello)
Win against Hot Tub Folliculitis
Analysis of the 2023 Results
US vs. Zantac wrapped up 2023 with an even record. After a closer look at their games, there is need for some adjustments. There are no cheers to be had for beating Tim twice at Kubb and they suffered two defeats to Day 2 Panarello. Maybe their outlook won’t be as grim as the audience thinks for 2024 but their results scream inconsistency and they will need to run the table in Kubb.
Timmy Takes’s corrected record for US. Vs Zantac 3-2 (two losses removed from Day 2 Panarello and 1 win removed from Day 1 Panarello).
Timmy's Take on their chances
The 2023 results does not paint a favorable picture for Eliot and Theo. We have heard reports that Eliot made a train trip to Dr. Bowe’s clinic for Lasik surgery this past week which could put a change in their success for 2024 but the odds are stacked against them. A blind squirrels does find an acorn occasionally but in this year’s games there just will not be enough acorns to be had.
Keys to Success
Eliot, please miss the death cup - in order to come out on top in this year’s games they will need to battle through each one. It’s imperative they do not give away games. It’s sad we have to write this in there but the odds are this has a higher chance of occurring again then them coming out in 1st in this event.
Have the best record in Kubb – This will be a battle between them and Too Spicy. If they can earn the most wins in this event, the landscape may start to change in their favor
Theo keeps it simple during Spikeball – Do not try to recreate the glory days of high school basketball. Keep the serve on top of the net, we aren’t fishing for lobsters in Vermont.
Members: Tim Takach & Too Spicy
2023 Team Results: 4-4
Cornhole
25-9 Loss against Atomic Hotel Erotica
Beer Die
15-8 Win against It's Resistor
16-14 Win against Malpractice Makes Perfect (Day 2 Panarello)
Spikeball
21-10 Win against Girth (Day 1 Panarello)
21-19 Loss against Malpractice Makes Perfect (Day 2 Panarello)
Polish Horseshoes
21-19 Win against Too Spicy
Kubb
Loss against Atomic Hotel Erotica
Loss against Girth (Day 2 Panarello)
Analysis of the 2023 Results
Like US. Vs. Zantac, Boost looters finished an even .500 in 2023. However if you think the scheduled was rigged in 2023 you do not need to look any further then the Boost Looter’s schedule. Panarello effect, crippled the boost looters in Day 2 and they can rest easy that they will not need to deal with match up inconsistencies in this year’s games.
Timmy Takes’s corrected record for Boost Looters 4-2 (two losses removed from Day 2 Panarello and 1 win removed from Day 1 Panarello).
Timmy's Take on their chances
How can you not want to root for these guys? Their performance is entirely based on momentum and they have been known to take down some of the favorites. However consistency is an issue and Kubb will be a problem. With every big win, comes an even bigger loss and they have yet to find a way to overcome these blunders. We do not see them winning this year’s games but if they can ride a few victories at the start against Too Spicy, you never know what may happen.
Keys to Success
Find more boost – Once momentum is found they have to retain it. Whether that’s in tequila shots for Picca or Truly bets for Tim. They need to find their secret sauce in order to stay relevant
Tim wins a game in Kubb – He went winless in Kubb in 2023 and has not had a good track record in the previous 3 BBGs. One way to find momentum is to secure a victory in this event. However will it be enough to spring them to the title?
#1 record in Polish horseshoes – News from Washington state brought highlights of Nick Picca and his revamped frisbee throw. Let’s hope this translates onto the field.
Limit the chipotle – This team does not have a great track record with E. Coli. Let’s hope chipotle does not cause the demise of this team
Spikeball
TOO SPICY – wins the best record in this year event. Tim has 1 arm and we cannot see US. Vs. Zantac pulling this off. It will be close but we ultimately think Eric and Joe sneak away with this one.
Polish Horseshoes
Two way tie: Too spicy and Boost Looters. Boost looters take an early advantage but run out of steam in the final couple of games allowing Too Spicy to catch up.
Kubb
US vs. Zantac: Eliot and Theo run away with this one. But only due to sheer necessity of staying relevant in the games.
Beer Die
Boost Looters: SPLASH, SPLASH, SPLASH – truly chugs are in the opposing team’s futures and there is no stopping the momentum in this one. We pray for their opponents that they do not play this one first thing in the morning.
Cornhole
True toss up! Slippery boards led to drawn out games last year. An anonymous source claims that US. Vs. Zantac will come out on top but we will need to wait and see how the results pave out for this one.
1. Too Spicy
2. Boost Looters
3. US v. Zantac
The results will be close but there are not enough games to catch up with Too Spicy. Tim’s arm handicaps the Boost Looters too much despite a solid showing from Picca. US vs. Zantac have their moments but there are just too few of them to lead to any real success. The boys will look to take the crown away from Joe in 2025.
Rules of the Bet Board:
1. Bets will be entered through official acceptance in the BigBodyGames Slack group.
2. Once a bet is on the board, it is official and final. No takebacks.
3. Anti-collusion - All players must put their best foot forward and give every effort to ensure fair gameplay for game-related bets.
4. All bets must be paid up in short order after completion of the games.
5. Bets may continue to be entered during the Games.
| # | Bet Description | Wager | Player 1 | Player 2 |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | TBD | TBD | TBD | TBD |
| 2 | TBD | TBD | TBD | TBD |
| 3 | TBD | TBD | TBD | TBD |
| Eliot | Eric | Joe | Panarello | Picca | Theo | Tim | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Eliot | It's Resistor | Atomic Hotel Erotica | Turn Around Lenny | Bintang Tank Top | United States v. Zantac | Engaged and Enraged | |
| Eric | It's Resistor | Too Spicy | Girth | Roommates, Not Friends | Supply and Demand | Rumble Ready | |
| Joe | Atomic Hotel Erotica | Too Spicy | Godfather Part I | Godfather Part II | Dream Team | Hot Tub Folliculitis | |
| Panarello | Turn Around Lenny | Girth | Godfather Part I | The Base Layers | Malpractice Makes Perfect | No Flower, No Blouse | |
| Picca | Bintang Tank Top | Roommates, not Friends | Godfather Part II | The Base Layers | IV League | Boost Looters | |
| Theo | United States v. Zantac | Supply and Demand | Dream Team | Malpractice Makes Perfect | IV League | White Fragility | |
| Tim | Engaged and Enraged | Rumble Ready | Hot Tub Folliculitis | No Flower, No Blouse | Boost Looters | White Fragility |