New York Times

The takes may have the grammar of a preschooler but my god was this insightful.

Wall Street Journal

Why are there so many closed door bets surrounding Nick Picca?

Washington Post

Put some chest on your hair.

The boys are back and the Timmy Takes are live. We apologize for the delays and that you had to suffer through the abysmal scouting reporting that was released earlier this year. There was a lot of data to sift through and life updates to report on. We could not risk being hasty in sending out the takes. Start packing your bags and let the games begin!

After a smaller field in the 2022 games, the full field of 7 have committed entry to the 2023 games. Two time champion Joe Laviano enters the games as an early favorite for a three peat. The doctors, Nick and Theo return from a year off but little is known yet how fatherhood has affected their ability to play. Eliot and Timmy will no longer be fighting wedding planning fatigue and will look to stay cool in the Mid-Atlantic summer heat. Eric returns East and will look to keep the trophy out on the West Coast. And last but certainly not least we have Mr. Picca. Recently engaged, he will look to maintain his focus as his mind floats to wedding preparations and fear of another girth off.

Not only do we have a full field but we also have another exciting update for the year, MORE GAMES. The athletes will be tested with a jammed pack scheduled that will put their will and determination to test. This year Timmy Takes will take a turn from previous years as we will dive into 2 categories to determine this year’s standing fate. The data is ironclad and we expect the results to come in close.

We crunched the numbers from the previous results and have analyzed the schedules of each athlete from easiest to hardest. **Power Timmy Takes operates with a 95% confidence model and uses the most cutting edge technology operable by Timmy.

Poish Horseshoes

1. Picca 2. Tim 3. Theo 4. Joe 5. Eliot 6. Eric 7. Panarello

Spikeball

1. Joe 2. Eric 3. Theo 4. Tim 5. Panarello 6. Picca 7. Eliot

Kubb

1. Joe 2. Eric 3. Theo 4. Panarello 5. Eliot 6. Tim 7. Picca

Cornhole

1. Joe 2. Panarello 3. Theo 4. Eric 5. Tim 6. Eliot 7. Picca

Beer Die

1. Theo 2. Eliot 3. Joe 4. Tim 5. Panarello 6. Eric 7. Picca

Overalls

1. Joe 2. Theo 3. Eric 4. Tim 5. Panarello 6. Eliot 7. Picca

By far the most impactful measurement of the Big Body games. He uses a combination of factors to rank the athletes such as location, new developments, athletic prowess and most importantly if they have the Big Body X Factor.

#7 - Picca

Until he shows us he is capable of finishing other than last, we have the spot securely cemented there for him. Even with a first place finish in the first event of the 2021 games, Picca still managed to get last. We are deeply worried about his game and we fear he will be easily rattled by wedding questions. Picca’s best chance of winning this year will be the pizza roll off with Joe. If he loses that, expect it to reflect early in the games.

How could they still win?

Starts with a win in the Pizza roll off. He thrives off of momentum, calf slaps, and early bedtimes. If he can manage to get all 3, maybe he will surprise us.

#6 - Panarello

The only trophy Panarello will be vying for this year is the Biggest Body. There’s too much unknowns going into this year for him especially after a lack luster performance in the 2021 games. If he is able to turn his fortune in Polish Horseshoes, we could see a Top 3 finish but the odds of him catching a frisbee are stacked against him. Rest up Doc, your talents may be needed more in a post-spikeball bone fracture.

How could they still win?

Catch a frisbee. Panarello went winless in Polish horseshoes and it destined him for a bottom half finish. If he can stomp his way into the top half in that event, maybe he will be able to bring Owen home a new souvenir.

#5 - Eliot

I struggled with this one but in the end this just felt right. Eliot will win his fair share of games but like the previous two BBGs it won’t matter. The long train commute and the heat will melt his aspirations away. I am most concerned that he may miss his train stop due to trying to save Zelda from the depths. Eliot has the skills to perform well but we don’t like his chances in the Maryland summer heat. Try again next year Johnson.

How could they still win?

Win more. Eliot will leave the games above .500 in win percentage but he needs to perform well in SpikeBall and Beer die in order to have a shot at this.

#4 - Theo

Some may say this is a harsh take after a second place finish in the 2021 games but like Panarello there are just too many unknowns to give us confidence in this year games. Rumors have spread of his inability to sink a free throw and the back and forth summer travel between Philly and Maine cannot be healthy for the back. He may well be chief resident, but he certainly won’t be leading the BBG.

How could they still win?

Consistency. We don’t expect a last place finish from Theo in any of the events and with the second easiest schedule there’s a chance he can make a run at this.

#3 - Eric

I put a lot of faith in my takes last year with Eric and in return I received a last place finish. However there’s just something about that LA spotlight that makes people shine. As the Kubb fan favorite and my favorite for Biggest Body, there’s just a lot to like with his chances this year. If he can get through with a middle place finish in polish horseshoes the title may be in reach.

How could they still win?

If Eric can knock down the king kubb and secure a middle place finish in polish horseshoes he will be right in the mix. However those are Big Ifs and the king kubb has his number.

#2 - Joe

Being the two time defending champ we would expect Joe to be ranked first here. Questions are swirling why he needed to set up a practice game in Tacoma the weekend before. It just gets you wondering, has he lost his touch? We sense a change of forecast for this year and expect a plane full of fear will be arriving in BWI Thursday morning. Stay hungry Laviano, your games begin early with a Pizza Roll Off.

How could they still lose?

If Joe loses big on the bet board, expect that to trickle down to his game play. We will all be rooting for Picca in the Pizza Roll off.

#1 - Timmy

Call it bias, I encourage it. Bucket Hat Tim returns with a new hat, no car and less weight. He’s been heat rash free for over year and now has fully acclimated to the weather. My only concern is the truly chugs, stop betting and just get to playing.

How could they still win?

The talent is there and home court advantage has its perks. Kubb has been his nemesis in the past 2 games so a 3rd place finish or better there may secure him the trophy.

Polish Horseshoes

Eric / Panarello vs Theo / Picca - Catch the Damn Frisbee

Eric and Panarello went winless in Polish Horseshoes in 2021, and we do not expect this to be a pretty matchup. There will be a lot of flopping around like a dead horse. We expect an easy win for Theo and Picca.

Spikeball

Joe / Picca vs Eliot / Theo - Feeling the Pizza Rolls

I have Eliot and Theo here as long as Eliot does not forget his sunglasses on the train. Expect a close game but this could go either way depending on who picks sides first. Mobility may be a factor for Joe and Picca after a poor choice in foods from the previous night.

Kubb

Timmy / Eric vs Picca / Theo - Down Goes the King

Timmy and Eric finally get a much needed win together in Kubb. Do not hold your breath as you watch this one, we expect a lengthy game. Multiple attempts will be made at the king but Eric finally knocks it down in the end.

Cornhole

Eliot / Panarello vs Timmy / Picca - Don't Bother Watching

Eliot and Panarello take an early lead in this one. Picca blames Timmy, Timmy blames Picca but Eliot does not let them forfeit. Shortest matchup in the BBG.

Beer Die

Joe / Eric vs Picca / Eliot - West Coast vs East Coast

I have Joe and Eric winning this one as Picca is a west-coast wannabe and any sense of friendship between him and Eliot will surely be gone by this point in the games.